it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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