So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
