if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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