im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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