if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
