Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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