tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
