he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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