I cannot find my penis.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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