Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
