One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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