I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
