woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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