I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
this beer tastes like vomit already
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
