I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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