I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
