I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
