it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
