i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
