i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
