dude i'm inner monologue high
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
