if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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