Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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