guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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