I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
