I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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