Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
