Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
