Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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