end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
