I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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