We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
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All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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