You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
