Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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