So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
