I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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