i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
