This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
