All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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