it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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