I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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