Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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