Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I believe in your delicious
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
