Sorry, I don't speak sober.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
