peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
