I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
