Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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