I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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