someone threw a dead crab at me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
