So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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