Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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