Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
