After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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