You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
