Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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