So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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