found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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