HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize