Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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