So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
