nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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